Watch Your Relationships

OUR RELATIONSHIPS define us in many ways: we tend to become more stressed when we spend too much of our time with people who drain us, undermine us, or who don't support us in other important ways. Conversely, when we have a supportive social circle to lean on, we enjoy greater resilience toward stress, more happiness, greater levels of wellness, which can be experienced as a higher overall quality of life..
You may already know that
relationships are good for your health, longevity & life expectancy.. In general, that's a true statement, except when a relationship is bad/toxic..

Anyone who's been through a nasty divorce, dealt with difficult parents or children, or had a "crazy" friend will tell you that not all relationships are good for your health.. We all have at least one person in our lives whose only function seems to be creating stress & problems.. that has to have some kind of impact on our well-being, right?

People with toxic relationships are more likely to suffer from depression & loneliness..
These are powerful enough to weaken our immune system..

We can experience toxic relationships in our families, in the workplace & among friend groups.. They can be extremely stressful if the toxicity is not effectively managed..

While they cannot always be avoided, toxic relationships can be managed with healthy boundaries, self-care & above all, awareness..

Here is what you should know about toxic relationships, including what makes a relationship toxic, how to detect if you're in one & the most effective ways to manage the various types..

Toxic relationships can exist in just about any context, from the playground to the boardroom to the bedroom..

A relationship is said to be toxic when your well-being is threatened, whether it is your emotional wellbeing, your psychological well-being, or even your physical wellbeing..

Relationships that involve physical abuse are definitely classified as toxic..

Relationships in which one person is consistently giving more than they are getting may be toxic as well, especially if the person who is giving more feels devalued & depleted because of it..

Likewise, if you are in a relationship where you feel you are consistently not being respected or that your needs aren't being met, you may feel a toll on your self-esteem over time..
Relationships where you feel unsupported, misunderstood, overtly or subtly attacked, or in other ways demeaned can classify as toxic also..

On a basic level, any relationship that makes you feel worse rather than better can be toxic over time..
Only you can tell if the bad outweighs the good in a relationship, but if someone consistently threatens your well-being by what they are doing or by what they are not doing, then, it's time to focus on solutions..

Take note- Not all relationships are toxic because of the other person.. Sometimes it's the way the two of you interact that brings out the worst in both of you..

For example, you may have a competitive friend who pushes you to be your best, & you do the same for them.. If you are both getting enjoyment out of the dynamic, this may be fine..

However, if you are seeking someone who can validate your hard work with some emotional support & your friend is constantly putting you down, then this may not be a healthy dynamic for you..

Regardless of whether your friend's intention is to put you down, this can be especially dangerous if you develop a spite-based competitive streak with this friend that is not enjoyable for you..

Similarly, if you find that you are not your best self around someone- they might bring out the gossipy side of you, or they seem to draw out a mean streak you don't normally have- it could be that the two of you create toxicity together..

Again, not all toxic relationships are mutual..

Some people can sap your energy with constant complaining or by seeing the glass as half-empty & constantly sharing this perspective with you..
Some people feel the need to argue with others constantly, explain why they know better, or point out the flaws of others, which may or may not weigh on your patience..

This person may act this way with everyone, & they are likely not even aware of their effect on others.. They may not know healthier ways to communicate their need.. It is likely that they do not know how to read social cues well enough to know when they are frustrating people or making them feel like they are not being heard..

How to deal with Bad Relationships-

What to Do

🏮Practice Assertive communication-
If you find yourself in a toxic relationship where you bring out the worst in one another (or simply fail to bring out the best), you may want to work on the relationship & change the dynamic, particularly if there are other benefits you are getting from the relationship.. You may want to attempt to talk to the other person about it- be assertive about your needs & feelings while also taking responsibility for your part in the situation..

In these cases, it is often a good idea to discuss what you see as a problem & decide together if you want to change the dynamic & how.. You may be able to change the way you interact so that you both begin to get your needs met in a better way as you bring out the best in one another.. Assertive communication & healthier boundaries may be the key..

How to Deal With Stressful People-

What to Do

🏮Limit your interactions-
You may simply limit your time spent with people who bring frustration or unhappiness into your life.. You may, however, want to talk to them about your issues & see what happens..
With people who lack self-awareness or social skills, it can be an exercise in futility to expect them to change..

However, they can go from being a toxic force in your life to a mere annoyance..
If this person is someone you need to interact with, like a family member or co-worker, you may do better to limit interactions & try to nonconfrontationally stand up for yourself when the situation warrants it..

Some people, particularly narcissists (and their less common cousins- sociopaths ) tend to feed off of other people's attention & admiration..

Narcissists feel a need to make people feel "less-than" in a quest for feelings of superiority..

They may intentionally put you down in subtle ways, throw little insults at you if you share an accomplishment you are proud of, or they may keep you guessing as to whether they will be nice to you from one day to the next..
It is not always obvious whether they are aware of what they are doing, but if their behavior is consistently making you feel bad about yourself, it may not matter..

The result is the same: Your unhappiness..

Potential Solutions-

With a true narcissist or sociopath, or with anyone draining you of your well-being, the best solution is to put distance between yourself & them.. You are probably not going to change them, & confronting them will only bring out their wrath without resolving anything..

Narcissists, for instance, are notoriously bad at admitting fault because they truly do not believe that they make mistakes; they find it personally threatening to see themselves as less than perfect.. In general, you may have tried & failed to discuss your feelings with the other person in your toxic relationship.. Even if you are able to express yourself, it can feel as though your words fall on deaf ears..

It is often best to distance yourself from this person, or at least accept that you need to be on your guard.. This acceptance won't change them, but it can help minimize the stress of dealing with them..

Remember- When dealing with any type of toxic relationship, the most important thing is your self-care, health & well-being.. If you are dealing with someone who drains you of your energy & happiness, it may be worth it to consider removing this person from your life, or at least limiting your time spent with them..

If you are ever in a situation that presents a threat to you & your emotional or physical well-being, it is crucial to seek help from a professional as needed..

Friends add a wonderful dimension to our lives: they help us celebrate the good times, & they help us make it through the tough times.. Having a strong, supportive social network has been associated with lower levels of stress, increased longevity & greater levels of happiness..

Unfortunately, conflicted relationships can bring significant amounts of stress to our lives, & the stress can be ongoing.. Learning how to minimize that type of stress while maintaining as much closeness as possible can be difficult, but dealing with volatile relationships can be even more difficult..

Therefore, the time spent focusing on how to maximize the positive aspects of your relationships & minimizing the toll of the conflict is really a time well spent.....